Welcome back! If you made it through Part 1, then you understand that sex was God’s idea. He isn’t embarrassed by this topic and doesn’t want His children filled with shame. If you haven’t read Part 1 yet, I recommend going through these in order. Again, please go into this knowing that I am not an expert. I am simply a Bible-believing Christian who wants to see people walk in victory in this area. That being said, here is truth number two:
2. SEX WAS DESIGNED TO BE SAVED FOR MARRIAGE.
“And out of your reverence for Christ be supportive of each other in love. For wives, this means being supportive to your husbands like you are tenderly devoted to our Lord, for the husband provides leadership for the wife, just as Christ provides leadership for his church, as the Savior and Reviver of the body. In the same way the church is devoted to Christ, let the wives be devoted to their husbands in everything. And to the husbands, you are to demonstrate love for your wives with the same tender devotion that Christ demonstrated to us, his bride. For he died for us, sacrificing himself to make us holy and pure, cleansing us through the showering of the pure water of the Word of God,” (Ephesians 5:20-27 TPT).
Marriage is truly amazing. There is no other relationship that shows Christ’s heart for the church like the relationship between a husband and wife. The pastor who did our premarital counseling sat us down on the first week and asked us to spell the word marriage. I started, “M-A-R-R…” He interrupted me and said, “Nope! You spell marriage ‘D-I-E.’ God uses marriage to kill you!” We walked out of there thinking, “Well, that was encouraging!” But it was true. When you give yourself to one person for your whole life, making a commitment before God to put them first, you are dying to self. That’s just like what Jesus did for His bride. God often puts people who are opposite personalities and backgrounds together. He knows that they will balance each other out and in the process a whoooole lot of their pride and flesh will die!
Sex is what God uses to represent the intimacy that Jesus longs for with His Church. Yes, marriage makes our flesh die and is very hard work, but sex is like the prize!
Here are three important things to know about marital sex:
- Sex is what sets marriage apart from every other relationship.
“Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh,” (Genesis 2:24 ESV).
When the Bible talks about “the two becoming one flesh,” it is literally describing the intimacy that happens in sex. It is a gift that I believe should not be opened until a couple has said their “I do’s” on their wedding day.
When I was in youth group, a ministry came to our church and taught on sexual purity and waiting to have sex until you were married. They had us fill out commitment cards to our future spouses. I took that very seriously because I wanted my future husband to wait for me too. I knew my husband was going to be a gift from God to me and I was responsible to steward my heart for him. I didn’t waste time dating random people. God had promised me a healthy, amazing marriage and I stood on that promise, even as a teenager. My husband and I were both virgins when we got married. We fought hard for that to be a reality because we knew that it was worth it. You can read more of our story here.
- We are not our own.
“The husband should fulfill his wife’s sexual needs, and the wife should fulfill her husband’s needs. The wife gives authority over her body to her husband, and the husband gives authority over his body to his wife,” (1 Corinthians 7:3-4 NLT).
Even if you don’t feel like having sex, the Bible says that we are not our own when we are married. We belong to each other and should never use sex as a weapon. Our attitudes need to get out of the way. We belong to each other. (This is in no way a defense for forcing sex on an unwilling spouse. Forcing sex on someone is rape and it is absolutely egregious. If this has happened to you, please find help here.)
Men, if you haven’t connected emotionally throughout the day but you come home wanting physical connection, let me just help you out: Ask her about her day, compliment her, serve her somehow. Show her that you are pursuing her, like Jesus pursues His Bride. It will help your cause tremendously! 😉
Ladies, apologize (and forgive) quickly and lay down insecurities. If your man says you’re hot- believe him! Don’t always wait for him to make the first move or pursue you romantically. Read Song of Solomon. That gal did a lot of the pursuing! 😉
- Just do it… often!
“Honor marriage, and guard the sacredness of sexual intimacy between wife and husband,” (Hebrews 13:4a MSG).
Here is the same verse in another translation:
“Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled,” (Hebrews 13:4a ESV).
This scripture lets us know that there are not a whole lot of rules for married couples when it comes to sex – just enjoy it! ((We will discuss a few things that are inappropriate next week, even in marriage.)) If you are married, I hope that you are having lots of sex! 😉 Healthy relationships prioritize their intimacy. I recommend having open, honest communication with your spouse about your needs/wants. It is vulnerable but essential for you two to be on the same page. If there are other issues that make intimacy difficult, seek professional help.
Before we came to Keypoint, my husband was on staff at Gateway Church in Dallas. He worked with a pastor on staff who was also a sex therapist. Her name is Nancy Houston. She created a ministry called Intimate Life and wrote a book called Love and Sex. Here is an excerpt from her book:
“So here is my encouragement to you: Do it. Do it often, as often as is fun. Push yourself a little. Get your groove on. Find your mojo. Don’t let this beautiful thing God made die. That’s a sad, long, painful death. Fight for it. Don’t give up on it. Don’t be passive or aggressive about it. Do whatever you have to do to make this work for you both. Talk. Become sexual friends. Turn him on. Turn her on. Get help. Give it your best and your all. Be courageous. Go for it.
Seriously, your marriage will be more fun, richer, deeper, sexier, much more connected if you do! It’s the only thing you have that is all yours. It’s your private heaven on earth. Make out on the couch, in the shower, in the car. Be sexual with each other. Make it all it can be. There are no limits, only the ones you put on it.”
There are also many health benefits to marital sex. I highly recommend listening to these two episodes of the Trim, Healthy Mama podcast: Episode 29 and Episode 32. (If those links don’t work for your type of device, just google “Trim Healthy Mama Poddy Foxy Mama” and they should come up.) They did a lot of research about the benefits of prioritizing sex in marriage.
If you aren’t married, I promise that waiting to have sex until you are is worth it. I have heard all kinds of things like, “I want to have experience before I get married so that I am not learning with my spouse.” Excuse my blunt delivery, but that’s bologna! We come up with all kinds of bizarre things to justify what our flesh wants. Sex was designed to be learned together with your spouse. Choose to trust God in this area and wait. He knows who you need and will bring him/her to you. That person is worth waiting for. And so are you.
Next week will will discuss sexual sin. I’m just warning you now, it is intense but valuable. We need these things to be exposed and brought out into the light. Praying for you!